“Your tattoos are so pretty!”
Love,
The sweetest three-year-old boy ever!
Response: I squealed with joy <3
Tattooed in the District
I live in Washington, D.C. and work in government. Follow along for awkward/ funny/embarrassing tattoo commentary from an outsider inside the Beltway.
1
“She’s got tattoos. That means she’s easy…I’m going home with her tonight.”
Love,
A drunk Joran van der Sloot look-alike
Response: I actually hate sex. And you.
On my way to West Virginia. Not sure exactly where I am but people are much more welcoming…
“That arm there..took a lot of time, huh?” asked a working man.
“Hi! I just wanted to ask where did you get your tattoos done? They are beautiful!” asked a sweet plain Jane.
“Girl, that hurt? I just got this done—(guy pulls down his tank top down and reveals his fresh tattoo) It says creative. That shit hurt!” asked Lil Wayne’s cousin.
Wait for it. There it is—THE LOOK! Many people in DC have given me this look. It’s a look of disgust. A look of hatred. A look that translates into, “Who’s this white trash loser? Psh, she clearly doesn’t have any morals. She’s kinda scary! I bet she doesn’t even have a job. Ew! I can’t even stand by her (or sit next to her on S2 or 24 buses). I gotta move like right now.”
Reaction: Do y’all think I’m going to eat your fucking faces? I’m not permanently on bath salts waiting for the perfect time to attack. Chill out.
My boss is quitting—leaving us high and dry for the private sector. So I decided to write his farewell speech—if you can’t take a joke stop reading now. You will be greatly missed, B$. Greatly missed.
“As many of you know, I have spent the past three years working tirelessly building VA’s online presence from the ground up—my motto has been and always will be: ‘Get the right information to the right Veteran at the right time.’ Well, this is my last week at VA. I will move on to bigger and better things—no more Facebook updates to worry about, to hell with the claims backlog, and more importantly to hell with veterans. See that? I didn’t even capitalize the ‘v’ in veterans. While some of you may be pleased to hear this—I’m looking at you Paul Rieckhoff—just know, that I will still continue to make graphs with obnoxious little numbers and obnoxious little facts about VA that no one else in the goddamn media takes the time to do. Why? Because I’m a goddamn perfectionist. I may not be Director of Online Communications anymore but I’m still one tweet away from shutting you the fuck down. Godspeed.”
“Lemme see your tattoos! (pulls arm) An owl?! My grandma likes owls! But she don’t like when I spill beer on her head. (giggle, giggle)”
Response: Let me see your tattoo. Look at that gem, folks! And he did spill beer on my head—I suppose that’s just what happens at football games. Let’s go Redskins!
“Hey! I like your tattoos!”
Love,
Guy yelling from his broken down car—in the middle of an intersection
Response: Umm do you need some help?
“Gurl, you know who you look like? KAT VON D!!!”
Love,
People who watch too much reality TV
Reaction: You ruined it, D.
“A sheep?!”
“You’re the black sheep in your family?”
“To count before you go to bed?”
“That’s weird…”
“Ahhh! So cute!”
Love,
Hipsters, old folks, moms…
Reaction: Hipsters: listen to some good music. Old folks: you’re cute. You can get away with not getting it. Moms: whatever. The rest of you in DC: YOU LIVE IN DC! Google it.
“Girls with tattoos are…lesbians.”
“Is that your girlfriend?”
Love,
Women of DC (young and old)!
Reaction: Only in DC are women with tattoos automatically labeled as lesbians—by other women. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been told I’m a lesbian or asked if I only make out with chicks. What the hell is wrong with this place?
